In my ongoing quest to untie the knots that holds my ability to be visible, make ample income, be in a loving relationship and feel at one with God, I went to my hypnotherapist last week. We’ve worked together over time, so she knows how to meet my energy and issues and lead me towards finding my solutions.
It was a deep session, focusing on bringing forward vague feelings of restriction and nausea that lingered in my body when I thought about the problems I’d been facing. As those feelings became strong, I was able to expel some of them through guided imagery, personal healing processes, some shamanic actions, and just plain release through emotional expression (e.g., crying). We made important progress.
Still, there’s a limit as to how much work can be done in a 90 minute session. We had to hit the pause button before everything got released (though there’s no guarantee even a 10 hour session would allow for that). She got me as grounded as possible, but as I left the session I felt disoriented, dizzy, sleepy, dissociated, and several of the other dwarfs (survivor humor there). I walked right past a friend/client of mine without recognizing him. Then, even though I consciously worked to ground myself before I got in my car, I backed it into a tree and broke the cover on a tail light.
This disoriented feeling persisted, knocking out much of the rest of that day and the two that followed. Even now, three days later, I can feel that yawning maw of pain and history inside me threatening to overwhelm my intent to get work done today.
Welcome to the Incest Hangover. That’s what we used to call it, years ago, when we’d break through to a new memory or emotional energy cyst and be devastated by yet another reminder of how awful things had been, what we had survived, how it had tied our lives in knots. It was the recovery and re-balancing of self that followed a release of toxic information we’d kept hidden from ourselves for the sake of survival. In clearing out the toxic emotions connected with a memory or awareness, we needed to take time to let the debris leave us or settle in to where we could live with it again, if only temporarily.
During this time of rebalancing, it’s as if we’re drugged: balance can be off, we fail to see what’s directly in front of us, can’t concentrate, may have difficulties sustaining ourselves in the full upright position. Whatever our personal frustrations with that state of being, we can do nothing but be kind to ourselves and that inner child who survived to this moment where s/he could release another aspect of our darkest truth. This sluggish time of coming back to ourselves felt just like an emotional hangover, hence the name.
It’s been a while since I’ve been here. My last major incest release was maybe ten years ago — a memory that I’d been slowly uncovering for years finally made itself known, triggering an enormous emotional release. It took me about 10 days and some major therapy to get myself back in balance; that’s what happens when what you think is your emotional bedrock turns out to be made of clay and gelatin and lies.
I honestly thought I was done with major memories and this kind of an energetic back-thwap. After all, it’s been so long, I’ve been healing for more than 25 years, aren’t I a bright shining beacon of R*E*C*O*V*E*R*Y!!! online and in my personal life???
Yet there it is, all over again, only at a deeper level than ever before. The Issue. The “Big ‘I’.” How it still impacts so many core aspects of my life. The hidden pieces it has taken me THIS long to be healed enough and willing enough to access. Okay, I’ve found it. I know it’s there. But… it’s STILL THERE… and now I have to face it to get it out, ’cause I know it ain’t goin’ away on its own.
This weekend, I was digging in my garden, preparing beds and planting seedlings. I have a very small space available and I want to make complete use of it. While digging down, I discovered a rock. (Actually, I re-discovered it — found it last year and wasn’t up to digging it out, so I quickly covered it up and planted atop it.) As I tried to dig around it, I discovered it was large, heavy and unwilling to move, more of a small boulder than a manageable stone. It remains exposed in a hole in the yard, awaiting the help of a young male friend who has a good back and a crowbar.
That’s what this additional pending awareness is like: a long-buried boulder, one that I’ve had thoughts about but not been willing to access directly and dig out. Now it’s visible down in a hole, but the hole is open and the memory/emotional compensation stuck in place. Meanwhile, its toxins swirl around me and get in the way of my forward motion, which it will continue to do until and unless I remove it completely.
Until that happens, this toxic emotional Incest Hangover will persist, perhaps diminishing but never going away. The only way out is through.
Time to call my hypnotherapist for another session…
Tags: child sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse, healing, heartistry communications, incest, incest recovery, incest survivor, incest survivor healing, life action coach, life coach, molestation, Recovery, sexual abuse